Privacy and Blogging

I have a confession to make… this is my THIRD attempt at starting a blog. Now, I’m a big fan of things happening in threes, so I’m hoping this blog might be a bit more successful than the last two. What do I mean by success though? Certainly, I imagine a lot of ambitious, hopeful writers must start blogging in the hope that they get noticed. For me, it’s less to do with that and more to do with showing myself that I am capable of maintaining it. I’ve enjoyed writing since I was a child but never really ‘written’. I’m hoping that by doing this, I will get into a habit of writing, and ideally become a better writer as a result!

But of course, some people do go into blog writing with the intention of self-publication. They promote themselves on a variety of social networking sites, tweet and fap and post and blog. They expose and they endear, and they air a lot of dirty laundry…

I would not be the first person (or even the millionth) to say that blogging is like diary writing. It essentially is exactly the same thing; you’re often in the privacy of your own home, alone, as you use the written word to describe your opinions, your hopes and dreams, your likes and dislikes, your dinner and your day. The only difference being that instead of closing the cover and turning a teeny, tiny ineffectual lock before stuffing it in a shoebox under your bed (I had a little sister okay, I needed precautions!), you type it up and put it out for all the internet to see. Now there’s nothing wrong with this, and it would be strange for me to think so as I am indeed doing exactly that. It’s just that it is ever so easy to overshare.

Anyone who knows me in person will be able to tell you that I am the Queen of the anecdote. When I was younger especially, I used to go into far too much detail with new acquaintances and always regret it later. It is different on the internet though, as there is value in telling a good story, with all the dirty/ embarrassing bits included in splendiferous detail. It’s just that it’s out there forever.

I’m a big fan of Lena Dunham’s Girls, that sort of tell all exposé where warts are included whether you want to see them or not. That style of narrative is very popular currently, a product of our globalised, over-exposed society where everyone grows up watching porn and gun fights (right? I’m generalising here!)

At this stage in my blog writing, I have the choice as to how deep and dirty I want to get. If I keep it nice and PG then I can self-promote on Facebook, like I mentioned people doing earlier. But it might be a little tame and safe. If I want to write about truly intimate things, I risk people knowing far too much about me and possibly upsetting a few chairs and ruffling a few feathers. I probably wouldn’t be confident in outwardly owning the blog either, just in case a parent or relative got wind of it.

It is quite the dilemma, whether to be risky, raunchy but anonymous, or safe and obvious, but I suppose it’s not something I have to worry about yet. Maybe I should just write what I want to write and see what happens? It’s a bit egotistical to assume people will actually read this I suppose! 

A first viewing of Annie Hall

That’s the most fun I’ve ever had without laughing.

Maybe not an accurate quotation of one of the most memorable lines from Woody Allen’s Annie Hall, but it’s without a doubt a great line from a great movie. One of my friends recommended it when we were at university but I had just seen Vicky Cristina Barcelona and had hated it, so I wasn’t exactly in the mood to watch another of Allen’s movies, though arguably his most acclaimed one. After I finished watching it last night, I googled it (which must be a sign that I needed my opinion validated by “the internet”) and found several pages heralding it as one of the best, if not the best, comedy of all time. I would love to see a contemporary review from 1977 (to see if people were coming out of theatres then with the absolute knowledge that the comedy genre was not going to get any better than that), but google was not forthcoming.

It is thought that hardly anybody proclaimed the complete and utter supremacy of Shakespeare during his lifetime, so maybe the same applies to directors. It would be harsh to say to a director after watching their film, “Yes. You’ve surpassed yourself, past and future. You will never again see these lofty heights.”  

Anyway, I digress. Annie Hall is a great movie, smart and cynical and a little bitter sweet. It is a film about the nature of relationships and it is strange to think that it is almost forty years old. Maybe it’s egotism, but when we look back into the past, our imagination is shackled by the social stereotypes of history, so you don’t expect to see people going through the same issues that happen today.

 Alvy and Annie having an argument about moving in together? Alvy saying that they’d got “that thing” to put off that spontaneous invite by the slimy guy in the club? Alvy’s friend commenting about visible panty lines on attractive women?

 All of those instances could take place today. Is this because young people will always have such items on the agenda, or is it because popular culture has echoed Annie Hall so much that those lines are still reverberating around contemporary TV and film scripts causing us to think they are still current? (That sounds like a silly question about what role popular culture has in our society that I think I will leave for another day.) I do find it interesting though, mainly because my parents met in 1977, the year that Annie Hall was released, so it’s mindboggling to consider whether they had similar issues.

Annie Hall is at heart a relationship comedy, one of the first in the genre and watching it has got me thinking about relationships. I have found myself going on more dates lately, mainly due to the help of Tinder, which is like a half-hearted attempt at internet dating where you only get your big toe wet. I have dated and had one or two ONS in the last couple of years, but my last serious relationship ended in 2012 and so, without much desire to commit to the idea, I have jumped on the bandwagon.

The actual act of dating, of going out and meeting someone that I hold little to no prior relationship with, is something of a new experience for me. It can be quite fun and exciting to go out with someone who you’ve never met before and have those getting-to-know-you conversations but it does lead to a lot of questions:

Do you like the look of them? The way they hold themselves? The way they talk? Are they interesting? Are they interested in what you have to say? What are they looking for? Do they like the look of you?

When you don’t know the person, I feel that there’s less pressure or expectations. Up until this point in my life, I’ve only gone on dates with guys who have made it clear that they already like me before the night of the date. If one of you is more invested in the success of the date, it can lead to awkwardness and then to failure. There’s more wiggle room (literally!) in having no investment. Internet dating is the new blind dating. Similar principles apply except you don’t have a friend to vouch for them and you’re not limited to the same social circles.

Why am I going off on a self-involved tangent in the middle of talking about Annie Hall? One: because tangents are fun and tangerines are delicious, two: because while Annie Hall is a relationship comedy, it’s a film about failed relationships. Alvy’s time with Annie is absolute, it has a beginning, middle and end, and we, the audience are privy to it all. We don’t necessarily want to see the end, this version of the end, but it happens all the same. We are also subjected to glimpses of Alvy’s two failed marriages, and his two awkward dates. This is what spoke to me as a viewer, dating can be awkward, as you wade through the sea of “other fishes” in the hope of finding someone you enjoy spending time with and desire to see naked, and even then, there still can be an ending. It can be exhausting having those first few conversations over and over again, like you’re stuck in a surreal version of Groundhog Day, but the moral isn’t that you should collapse under the enormity of this task. It’s definitely more of a “keep up the good work, Chuck” kind of message, and it is heart-warming for me, as someone who is only really giving this dating thing ago for the first time, even if at the same time it’s heat-breaking.

Well, that’s … how I feel about relationships. They’re totally irrational, crazy and absurd. But we keep going through it because most of us need the eggs. 

Hello there! I would like to share with you something about myself.

I am Unemployed.

After six months, what was just a general background fact has now gained a capital 'U' and is now a major part of my identity. Therefore I submit the sound of my lonely violin to the great orchestra of The Unemployed.

I actually don't know anyone else who is currently unemployed. I know PLENTY of people who are unhappy with their jobs and want to move on, but then, it's easier to get a different job when you're still working, isn't it? I also know that apparently, unemployment has dropped in the last financial year, even in my age group, which is 21-25 year olds. Well, woo. I am really thrilled to bits that it's getting better, I am. I just wish I could see it for myself. This leads on to my one big question:

Am I unemployable?

Oh, that's a tricky one. Technically no. I have a “good first degree” from a Russell Group University, albeit in the subject of English Literature, so I'm not automatically geared for a career away from teacher training. Never mind that though, a lot of people do and are just fine. I also have eighteen months of working as an EFL teacher in Vietnam. I should not be unemployable. Yet, it appears that I am.

I have discovered that living in the area that I do (not a city), actually means that I cannot get a job. I can't get a casual job as I'm competing with all the college students and part-time mum's in the area, and am seen as too much of a flight risk. I cannot get an admin job because I do not have any specific admin experience. I am unlikely to get a graduate job as there have been three batches of fresh graduates pop up since I left, and I am also struggling to get a teaching assistant job because there is so much competition and not that many roles.

The future feels a little bleak right now. But following this gloomy start, I have decided that I need a good kick up the ass to get moving again. Dealing with all these rejections, and just the sheer boredom of repetitive applications has got me down. I need a reason not to stay in bed all day.

To my bed I say: “No! I shall leave the warm, safe confines of your duvet mountains. I shall fight the omens of crows that hover expectantly outside my windows. I will shoo the sounds of buzzards circling ahead who whisper 'Your career is dead, your career is dead.'”

I am going to quote Edgar Allan Poe grossly out of context and cry: “Nevermore!”

Note: I may have the tendency towards the over-dramatic. You should know this about me now, before we proceed any further.

The Challenge

I am challenging myself to use this time allotted to me in a more productive manner. As fun as lounging on duvet mountains watching chirpy American sitcoms is, I need a little bit more from my life.

So many people seem to drudge through life, living for the weekend. My whole week is my weekend! It defies logic! So I'm going to have my first retirement and do all the things I like doing and that make me a better person (or are just fun).

Things you might expect to see:

–                 soliloquy (in the written form)

–                 cartoons

–                 accounts of achievements, like: “Oooh I made a really good cheese toastie!”

–                 short stories

–                 whining/ moaning/ whingeing/ weeping

–                 Crazy thoughts

–                 pictures and/or photographs

–                 doodles

–                 reflections about current events/ society

–                 descriptions of cycling trips

–                 philosophical questions about the number 42

–                 delvings into the sophisticated lexis of the English language

–                 historical facts

–                 wonderings about life

I will just say it here that I make no promises. I sign no contracts. This is not a job. I cannot pretend that it is a job. But it could be a way to cheer me up, and exercise my brain noodle.